I have been thinking a lot lately about justice, fairness, and karma.
Let me first say that I am very lucky in my life, that the world has been more than fair to me, and I am blessed in many ways. I am (relatively) healthy. I have two healthy children who are funny and smart and give me joy every day. I have a house and a good job. I have friends and family who love and support me. I am also strong-minded and -willed, I am not a victim and I am confident and self-assured.
All that said, this is what happened in my life: Timmy, my husband of over 9 years and partner of 14 years who I loved very, very much, cheated on me with at least 11 women over the course of our relationship.
He confessed this to me on his own volition and I was completely and utterly blindsided. He revealed this to me on April 13, 2013 which was a Friday. On the following Monday I was tested for STDs and took his name off contract for the house we were in the process of purchasing. On Tuesday I hired a lawyer. I also moved up the closing date on the house and moved into it two weeks later.
Though his story has changed somewhat from that first confession here is what he told me that night:
- He actively started seeking out women to have sex with on the internet less than a month after Bea was born, while I was still healing from giving birth (and while he was still healing from his vasectomy, not surprisingly he had complications from that surgery).
- Between when he started that bout of cheating in late November and April when he confessed, he had slept with 6 different women multiple times. (I know many, many more details about these interactions, but will leave it out for the sake of brevity and because some of it is just gross.)
- He cheated with five (or more) women prior to Alfie's birth, one of which was his ex-girlfriend who he had cheated on when they were together (NOT with me!!).
- He used his night job - which had been given to him by my family business - for a cover for his liaisons while I was home alone with a newborn and toddler.
- He only was telling me now because I was about to use a large part of my inheritance to pay for his degree.
- He only stayed with me the last few years because he wanted to have children and thought I was his last chance. He used me as a broodmare.
- He was (at the time of confession) seeing/talking to two other women but had not had sex with them which he remedied that shortly after I left. One was a married alcoholic who called me fat and vaguely threatened me over the phone and another that asked him shortly after they had hooked up to come and bail her out of jail several counties away.
- He no longer loved me because I didn't clean enough, procrastinated with my crafts, and was still angry at a friend who hurt me very much.
He has been telling people that he "made some bad descisons" like he overdrew at the bank. That telling of it borders on fairy tale. It has been driving me crazy that people might think I divorced him due to choosing curtains I didn't like or somesuch.
As to the accusations against me. They are all true. I hate to clean. I wait until the last possible minute to work on things for craft shows. I am still angry at my friend who basically stopped talking to me after I had a miscarriage.
By all counts I could have taken everything from him in the divorce, I had resources and a gender-biased court system on my side. But I didn't. I immediately offered 50/50 custody. I gave him the opportunity to refinance the house (that was purchased with funds from the sale of my premarital house) in his name. I sold him my car that was a premarital gift from my grandparents for half the blue book value.
He refused to pay child support despite it being the first time in the course of our relationship that he was making more money than me. I financially supported him for 14 years - he has never paid rent or a mortgage in his adult life. He actually said to me that if he had only had waited a year to confess he would have had claim to my inheritance as well.
Now, Timmy feels very put-upon and victimized by the fact I have been very mean to him during this whole thing. He is right, I waste no opportunities to tell him exactly what I think of him and what he did to our family. And while none of you will probably ever be on the other end of my anger, I can tell you that I am very cutting, very eloquent, very pointed when I am angry. I don't feel too bad about being mean to him, mostly because I never say anything that isn't true and his bad, guilty feelings are not my responsiblity.
Over the last six months or so, I have told the people around me. I have ranted and raved. I have cried on shoulders into the wee morning hours. I have told bartenders and the dog adoption lady. But to the world at large, I have only hinted at what he had done. I didn't want to create drama. I didn't want to be painted as the bitter and angry woman. Well, guess what, I am pretty angry. I am less bitter, but it is definitely there. I have nothing to hide, so why am I protecting him?
And here is where we get to justice. While I am actually pretty happy with the direction my life is going (though I have my moments of deep, hyperbolic despair) and I am doing pretty damn well, I have this nagging feeling that is just not fucking fair. He just got a promotion, he just got a free guitar, he just got a new girlfriend. What I have is the truth. And I need people to know the truth.
I am not patient enough for the karma that is clearly coming down the line. I know that he is in for a future of failed relationships filled with lies. I know he will fail in the eyes of his children. I know that he will be lonely and miserable. I know this, but I just can't wait.
Maybe if a few more people know the truth about him, know who he really is, I can find a crumb of justice in that. Or maybe this will just incite sympathy for him. Or maybe this is petty revenge, I don't know, but it is the truth. And it is the truth that terrifies him the most.