I try to keep my drama off the internet. Which used to be no big deal as I had very little drama in my very little life and I was happy with that.
Every Wednesday I cry in the daycare parking lot, big ugly snot-filled sobs. Every Wednesday I drop the kids off at daycare, soak in as many hugs and kisses as I can get, and I don't see them again for three to four days. It sucks. It sucks so bad. I spend the days they are away trying to medicate myself with friends and booze and projects and food and whatever stupid distraction I can find, but really I am the walking dead. I am empty. I feel souless. My heart actually aches. It is some Promethean bullshit, except it is my heart not my liver and I get a whole week before it gets ripped out again.
I am starting to recognize the toll this is taking on me. I have been so solid so far, a fucking stone. But that stone is in the middle of a raging flood-fed river and I am being worn down. I can envision a future where I am muddy silt downstream.
And it sucks to be a single parent. It is unfair. To me because it is not the deal I struck when I agreed to become a parent. Unfair to the kids because I am certainly not the best mom I could be. I get a few precious hours with them at the end of the day before bedtime and it goes so fast.
I have been very equitable in all of this, 50/50 all the way. Which is amazing because I would be well within my right to grab hold of all I can get, to take every second, every cent, and there would not be one person on the planet who could find fault in that. But I haven't, it turns out I am a nice person, a zen-fucking-master, a Mother Teresa mother fucker. And don't think it doesn't bother me, a part of me wishes I could be vengeful, but I don't have it in me. Damn it. Sometimes I wish I did because in my rueful imaginings I suspect it feels really good to dole out what is deserved and take what your are owed.
I am trying really hard not to be bitter. Trying to tamp down the anger and rage. Quell the snot-filled tears. So I limit it all to Wednesdays. That is my broken day, my lost day. All day I sit on simmer, quietly building to a boil. And then I go home and nap.