I have been composing this post in my head for awhile now. Wondering if I even should write it at all, but I have documented a lot of my life here and it would be odd to leave this out.
Timmy and I are getting a divorce.
Wow. That is strange to type out. But there it is, black and white. We have been separated for more than a month now, the paperwork is submitted to my lawyer, and once the paperwork is into the court, it is 30-45 days and that is that.
It is so strange to untangle 14 years of a life together. There are small things that you would never think of, like I currently don't own a spatula. Or tylenol. Or napkins. Or a myriad of other small things that you don't think of when starting at a new place. Because I had all those things, built a collection of those things, but then they aren't mine anymore.
After the initial blow, the dust has settled, the angry voices have past, we have arrived at a place where we work together dividing our lives.
And being parents. The kids in all of this are paramount and wonderful and resilient. Bea is continually happy and smiling and beautiful. Alfie is chatty and funny and testing all the limits he is supposed to and so, so sweet. They are great kids and constantly challenge us to be better parents and people. That is what we try to concentrate on, being the best, being better for the kids. And so far, we are doing okay.
And I am okay. I mean it. Oh, there have been moments of tears and rage and deep, horrible sadness, but really, I am okay. Things happened. (I will not go into the minutiae here because it is not really important to the world at large, but if you are hungry for the dirty details, ask me privately or in person, I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, but documenting it here for eternity just seems in plain bad taste.) Those things hurt and were hard, sometimes are still hard, but that is the past and I have my eyes on the horizon. I really do feel my life is full of possibility and potential. I have a road laid before me that I did not expect to tread, but I am excited to see where it will lead.
I will be honest, I am lonely a lot. That is hard. I am doing my damnedest to be out with people on the days I do not have the kids. And at night when the kids are in bed but before I can toss and turn myself to sleep, I am lonely. It has been a long, long time since I have been alone and I am not very good at it yet. Like I said, a new road, a hard, unexpected road, one that will surely trip me up occasionally, but I will find my footing and keep moving forward.
I feel like I should say something deep and meaningful to tie this all together, but I am not at deep and meaningful yet. I am at getting by, I am at trying hard, I am at doing the best I can. When I get to deep and meanful, I will definitely let you all know.