Dear Alfie,
Wow, kid, less than a month to go!
Can I just tell you this has been the strangest thing I have ever done. Pretty much every moment, every new thing has been weird and interesting and so, so alien. I mean, I realize billions of women have done this for millions of years, but all this crazy stuff is the first go round for me and it has been just weird.
Don't get me wrong, I feel great. Like amazingly great. Like I have been using the word blissful to describe myself lately. Which I don't think is how anyone anywhere would have described me previously. Like I said, weird.
This experience, these nine months and the two years previous, have changed me. I used to fancy myself a pretty tough lady, hard and bitchy. And I am. The bitchy part at the very least. But somehow this whole bit has exposed me to my soft nougat filled center. I never even knew that part was there. I never knew I was such a sentimental sap. But here I am composing a letter to my unborn child, so I must be, right?
I am physically and mentally healthier than I have been in a very long time. I weigh less now than when I met your father. I have visible arm muscles - I mean, you can only see them from a certain angle, but they are there! I am happy when for awhile I thought that I would never be happy again. And I think I am happier than I have ever been.
Your father and I lay in bed talking and thinking about you. What will you be like? Who will you look like? How unbelievable that we have made it this far! That you will be here soon! Seriously, I feel a bit like fool, but I just marvel at the idea of you. I think about you nearly all the time, if I wouldn't feel like a totally ass, I would probably be talking about you non-stop as well.
When we first found out about you, I tried to refer to you as a blob or a bundle of cells, to try to remove myself from the emotion of it, to take away the possibility of another broken heart. But that didn't last, I couldn't do it. You were always, and I suspect always will be, my baby.
There are times that I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of love I feel for you. It is so crazy for me, I am so breathlessly and ridiculously in love with a person I have yet to meet. I really was completely unprepared for it. I had no idea that this is how it would feel. Really, no idea. I knew parents loved their children in theory, but in practice I had no idea what a novel and amazing feeling it would be. I thought I would be the cool, hip mom, but I am completely filled to overflowing with a sweet and wonderful love for you. That is pretty uncool, but I really don't care.
I want you to know that your father is an amazing man. I am so incredibly lucky to have a love like him in my life. This experience has made me love him more than I knew I could and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the idea that I love you just as much. Two great loves in my life! Amazing! Let me tell you are lucky to snag him as a dad. He is going to do an amazing job and probably just as importantly, make me be a better mother. He is going to love you and teach you guitar and how to hit a ball and make pork chops and spit. He is so excited and worried and thrilled. I really wish I could share a bit of my part with him. I wish he could feel a few of your bumps and kicks the way I do, he would be over the moon. I am pretty sure I will melt into a puddle the first time I see him hold you. And probably quite a few times after that.
So, this is it. We are getting down to the last bit. It is exciting and scary. I think we are ready. I think we can do this. I think it will try every last moment of my patience to wait these last couple of weeks, but like I said, I am feeling so good I feel like I could wait a million years for you at this point. But really, two weeks would be better!
So, prepare yourself, kid. Get ready for a mother who is going to love the crap out of you. I am warning you, one of the first things you are going to see on the outside is my blubbering, tear-streaked face. There might be snot. It won't be pretty. But it will be utter and ridiculous love.
Love,
(gulp)
Mommy
