Actually, to be honest, I am having a miscarriage. Right now. I am crampy and bleedy and dashed-hopes-y.
I have moved on from the cry and wailing grief part to the acceptance part.
I only knew I was pregnant for a week before the bleeding started in earnest. In fact, I took the test on a whim, I thought I had already had my period, but it was a weird spotty period and I hadn't tested in a few months so I thought I would give it a whirl.
It was crazy to see the little plus sign. First time in going on two years of trying now. It was like seeing a rare animal in the wild, or maybe in my case seeing a unicorn being ridden by a sasquatch. I was like "Timmy, are you seeing what I am seeing?" I took three tests over the course of that week, because I was certain I had imagined the whole thing.
During that week I signed up for a couple of "your pregnancy week-by-week" emails, bought SIX pregnancy books, and bought cute little panda buttons on etsy. Timmy and I talked about names, talked about the great timing - I was due June 4th (the day before my mother's birthday), I wouldn't be pregnant in the summer and Timmy would be off for summer vacation- and we saw good omens everywhere. The day of the first positive pee stick, we got our first chicken egg. And it was a double yolk, an omen of pregnancy. It is also an omen of death, but I tried to ignore that part.
Last Tuesday I started spotting again. I was actually on the phone with my sister while I was on the toilet - what can I say, we are close! It was scary. I freaked out. I called my nurse the next morning and she sent me to get blood tests immediately. My beta levels were really low for where I should have been in the pregnancy. (I actually misread the beta level charts from Dr. Google and convinced myself for about 4 hours that everything was dandy. The feeling I got when I realized my mistake is one I never want to have again.) My nurse also sent me to get an ultrasound, which showed a big bunch of nothing, a dark empty uterus. ( Sometime when I am delirious have me tell you about a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Oh my.) Blood testing 48 hours later showed only a slight rise in beta levels, not the doubling that should have happened. And then the cramping and bleeding ramped up considerably over the weekend.
I am still waiting for the results for the third and final blood test to come back. But I have absolutely no hope that it will be good news. Actually the only options are bad or worse. If I come through this with both fallopian tubes intact, I will be good.
I am coping pretty well. Like I said, mostly the wailing has died down, I still have my sobby moments, but I am pretty good considering.
I really debated whether or not to post this here, but I find alot of comfort reading over my posts. And when I look back over the old blog, I would rather see a document of my feelings today than a big gaping hole. For what it is worth, I was really excited about announcing my pregnancy here, I was gonna give it a few more weeks, probably around Thanksgiving, because as I am proof, you can't tell about these things.
I haven't told anyone but my immediate family about this yet. Initially, I didn't want to talk about it to anybody. Mainly because of the wailing. But now the whole internets knows. It is out there.
I thought the struggle with getting knocked up was the shittiest thing going in my life, but no, this is it.
I just erased a whole bunch of bitchy, bitchy, bitchy stuff about what not to say to a recently miscarried woman. But it was really too bitchy. Even for me, and I have felt like punching someone in the face for the last three days.
Poor Timmy, he didn't get to tell a single soul. He was so, so happy. I feel really bad that he gets left out on so much of this. I wouldn't wish my part on him, but it has to be just as hard on his side. Especially because there have been moments when I have been like a raving lunatic. I mean more than normal. I feel very bad because one of my really ineffectual coping mechanisms is to shut myself off. And Timmy is a hugger. It can't be very comforting to hug a unresponsive lump. But he wore me down and his hugs are very comforting right now.
Timmy and I will get back on the old horse as soon as all my bits are back in order. We will probably be moving onto more invasive measures very soon. Because I can not take another two years.
Oh, also, that "on the threshold" post was not about my pregnancy. I didn't even know I was pregnant yet. I am just moving my craft room. I told you it wasn't exciting.
Anyway, there it is. The longest, most depressing post ever.
ETA: just heard back from the nurse. My beta levels rose slightly, but it is not a viable pregnancy. It is probably a blighted ovum. I have an ultra-sound and dr's appointment for tomorrow to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.