I want to give up on hope

I know it has been a long long time since I last posted.  I really don't know if anyone is still reading this, but here it goes...

I haven't posted for the longest time because the biggest thing going on in my life is something that I didn't have words for - Timmy and my friends will argue that I have far, far too many words - so at least, I didn't know how to tie it up into a blog post.

Timmy and I have been trying to have a baby for 16 months.  And for whatever reason we can't.  I am healthy, he is healthy.  I just can't get pregnant.

And it sucks.  It sucks on a level that I had yet to experience.  It is life consuming and demoralizing.  It is a loss of expectations.  It is disappointment every month.  It is unknown and unfix-able.  It is peeing on a stick every morning for two weeks for naught.  It is such a deep and resounding pain that I can never get a hold on.

I am very lucky.  I have a life that is full of friends, family and a great, amazing husband.  I have so many joys in my life.  But the quiet times between the joys are filled with sadness and waiting.

I know there are many woman out there like me, couples like us, but is such a lonely thing.  No one really talks about it.  I blather on to my friends about cervical mucus and fertility monitors, but they are mostly in a different place in life and Timmy gets the brunt of my tears and rants.

The thing that sucks the worst is hope.  Every month I still expect to get a positive test.  Every month I am letdown when my period shows up.  Every month I build up hope, maybe this time, maybe this month and I am disappointed.  It is hope that hurts the worst.

Next month is our deadline for ourselves to take drastic measures, which for us means drugs and inter-uterine insemination.  And then after that I don't know.

I guess I just wanted to give you all an explanation of why I haven't been here.  All this has taken up much more of my life and mind space than I ever expected.  I didn't think I was the girl who would become obsessed with having a baby, but I guess I am.

Anyway, I am particularly despondent and teary  today and I have putting this post off for a long time, so there it is.  In all the ridiculous, heart-clutching detail.