I want to give up on hope

I know it has been a long long time since I last posted.  I really don't know if anyone is still reading this, but here it goes...

I haven't posted for the longest time because the biggest thing going on in my life is something that I didn't have words for - Timmy and my friends will argue that I have far, far too many words - so at least, I didn't know how to tie it up into a blog post.

Timmy and I have been trying to have a baby for 16 months.  And for whatever reason we can't.  I am healthy, he is healthy.  I just can't get pregnant.

And it sucks.  It sucks on a level that I had yet to experience.  It is life consuming and demoralizing.  It is a loss of expectations.  It is disappointment every month.  It is unknown and unfix-able.  It is peeing on a stick every morning for two weeks for naught.  It is such a deep and resounding pain that I can never get a hold on.

I am very lucky.  I have a life that is full of friends, family and a great, amazing husband.  I have so many joys in my life.  But the quiet times between the joys are filled with sadness and waiting.

I know there are many woman out there like me, couples like us, but is such a lonely thing.  No one really talks about it.  I blather on to my friends about cervical mucus and fertility monitors, but they are mostly in a different place in life and Timmy gets the brunt of my tears and rants.

The thing that sucks the worst is hope.  Every month I still expect to get a positive test.  Every month I am letdown when my period shows up.  Every month I build up hope, maybe this time, maybe this month and I am disappointed.  It is hope that hurts the worst.

Next month is our deadline for ourselves to take drastic measures, which for us means drugs and inter-uterine insemination.  And then after that I don't know.

I guess I just wanted to give you all an explanation of why I haven't been here.  All this has taken up much more of my life and mind space than I ever expected.  I didn't think I was the girl who would become obsessed with having a baby, but I guess I am.

Anyway, I am particularly despondent and teary  today and I have putting this post off for a long time, so there it is.  In all the ridiculous, heart-clutching detail.

Comments

[Sarah]

(((((whitty))))

It isn't the least bit ridiculous.

I wish knew what the right thing to say was, what would be comforting and reassuring and make things all better.

[Courtney]

because I never say it enough, I love you sis. You are awesome and this will somehow all work out.

If you ever need to rant, I am always here.

[Sandy]

Hang in there. It WILL happen. I was in the same boat you were in. I went off the pill and thought for sure it would happen soon because all the women in my family are Fertile Mertles. I waited and waited. 14 months later, it finally happened. As long as you've been to the doctor to have yourself and your husband checked out to make sure you are both fine reproductive-wise, it will happen. Expecting it each month is just setting yourself up for disappointment and unneeded stress. Maybe try to focus on something else for a while. Don't lose the faith. Good luck!

[Laurali]

You know I understand completely. If you ever want to talk to someone who has been there you know how to find me.

((Whitty))